thoughts randlomly dropped

2 Jul. 2007 new business…scary stuff

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Ok friends, it is official.  I am in the market for a new job.  I am so fed up with the idiocy in that place, I almost put my notice in today.  I restrained myself however and chose to actually start actively looking for a new job before ditching the other one.  This is a smart thing to do, (I have to keep telling myself that) and I try to be a smart person (mostly).  It amazes me that the business still runs with some of the stupidity going on there.  Between scheduling, food theft, slacking and lack of incentive to care I am surprised anything gets done.  We got our asses handed to us at lunch with a short crew and not a word said by anyone.  Plus Girlyman keeps fucking up the schedules, even though he’s not supposed to be doing them again til Babyluv leaves.  AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH.  That man has no fucking idea how to schedule for a full crew.  He sets us up short trying to save labour before he knows how labour is going to run.  You schedule full and then send people home if you need to!!!  Even the minions can figure this out.  Jeez.  So, after getting my ass kicked for about 4 hours straight, with no lulls (somewhat unusual, but not unheard of), I find out we have no new crew coming in till almost the end of my shift.  Nice.  Thank you Girlyman.  You fuck.  I’d like to see any of the management work in the kitchen with short crew like that, getting their asses kicked, and then not understand why we bitch when we’re short.  It would be eye opening and I would want to videotape it.  Anyway….. On to less stressful topics (wish me luck in my job search….)
Speaking in that general direction though…. I recently got my level 3 Reiki certification.  I am now a Reiki Master.  (I feel like I’m bragging or something calling myself a master– “Everyone bow down, I AM the Master”–  It’s just a bit weird is all.  So I’ve been thinking about having business cards made up and putting them in various places and just see what happens.  This terrifies me.  What if I fail?  What if noone calls?  Where will we have the session if they do?  D/h tells me to ask myself the question “What is the essential pain?”  meaning what is the root of the fear.  I can tell you that easily (though not comfortably)– I fear rejection.  It shakes me to see that in writing.  The word on the screen stands out to me.  I feel nauseous, shaky, angry that I care what others think.  What strangers who I may never see, meet, or hear from think.  Anger is the easiest of these to deal with– just let it run it’s course and be angry.  It pushes others away, and there is no rejection of me, just by me.  I reject the (potential) rejector.  Also, I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up somehow.  Healing is not like conventional medicine, it’s actually pretty difficult to fuck up.  Reiki practitioners would say it is impossible to fuck up because Reiki energy works only in a healing way, not a hurting way (in other words it won’t make things worse), and also if the person has not chosen to allow themselves to heal, the energy is not accepted anyway.  Intuitive healing (another aspect of what I do) could do harm, I suppose, if that was the intent of the healer (Course then it wouldn’t be healing would it?)  But for me that’s what it’s all about– intent.  When I work on/with someone, my intent is only for their benefit.  My focus is on Healing only.  That’s why I don’t do healings when I’m out of whack or in a crappy or negative mood.  I’m concerned about passing the vibe along, so I make a point not to.  So I guess really, I can’t fuck it up unless that’s my intent.  And since it’s never my intent to harm, then I can’t fuck it up.  Right?  I don’t know any other reason not to try, except fear of the unknown.  And that is scary, but I don’t remember it being that scary before.  I think the more we live our routines, the more frightened we become by change.  I have become very comfortable, even if not satisfied, in mainstream employment.  Ah yes, that brings me to one other thing to deal with….  Nearly all of my family knows that I am…… not spiritually on the same page as the mainstream, and for the most part they are fine with that.  There is one person, however, who may have an inkling but does not know the full extent of my otherness.  If I do this, she could hear of it, and that could pose an issue.  That worries me.—  And as I write this, an emissary of that side of the family– a Redbird– lands by my window and speaks (not people-speak, bird-squeak).  Warranted or not, I take this to be a good sign.  ‘Don’t worry about it for now.  It’ll be okay.’
So wish me luck.  Not just with the job hunt, but also with my healing work.  I know that I can do this, I just need to do it.  By posting this I will have taken the first step.  I have announced I’m a healer.  I am telling everyone who reads this and the universe too, I’m ready to work.  I wonder what the response will be like……  Peace


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