and sitting on one. I have been sitting so long there are cobble marks on my ass.
In case you didn’t know, I’m an herbalist and healer. I know. You totally couldn’t tell. What the hell kind of healer swears like I do and has almost no tolerance for the asshattery of other people? Aren’t we all supposed to be rose coloured glasses, rainbows, and unicorns?
I’m not sure, frankly. I’m trying to reconcile who I am with who I’m “supposed” to be. How do I do that? I’ve considered giving up foul language. Really. I’m not going to, but I considered it. Language doesn’t effect my ability to see and understand and work with plants to heal. Saying “fuck” when I accidentally run a red light (totally my own fault) doesn’t preclude my intuitive senses from picking up whatever needs noticing. Not paying attention to said intuition will do that all on it’s own. But.
There’s this picture people (m’self included) have of “healers”. Patient. Empathetic. Sympathetic. Ethereal. Loves everyone. Airy-fairy. All-knowing. I know they can’t be all that all the time. Logically. I may have any of the given qualities at a given moment, I may even have most at a given moment. Seldom would I have all of them at once, and definitely not all the time. Some I may never have. Does this mean I’m not tuned in to the Universe? Only when I’m not listening. And I haven’t been. I’ve been sitting because I’m not sure what to do with my skills. Also, new stuff is scary. Putting myself out there is scary. I know it’s chickenshit, but I still have the whole “what if they don’t like me” mentality on this stuff. (Of course the chorus in my brain immediately shouts “then FUCK THEM” when I ask that question, but still….) So I’m trying to sort it all out.
I do intuitive healing, and I’ve seen good results. I’ve also seen the folks who get good results initially fuck up all that nice energy work in the span of a week. After I told them they’d need to do a few things to maintain it. (Tough things like: drink this tea, meditate for 5 minutes each day, get a bit more rest.) It’s hard not to slap someone when they come to you in a situation like this and ask why it isn’t working anymore. Very hard. It’s difficult to remember sometimes that we’re all doing our best, when really some folks are just looking for someone else to blame for their laziness. Just admit you don’t feel like doing it and we’re fine. I want to help people, but it pisses me off when they expect me to do ALL the work. I am not a magic pill. Herbs are not a magic pill. Good things, things that will heal the issue and not just cover it or make the symptoms go away, take time and effort. Magic pills are overrated.
I am well aware that I’m far from perfect, and that I have a lot of growing to do. I know that sitting on the path and not paying attention are my current large faults. These are things I have to work on. I may never be the stereotypical “healer”, and I have to remember it is a stereotype, but I am a healer. I guess the first thing I need to work on healing is my fear. Writing this is a step on that path.