motheralice

thoughts randlomly dropped


Leave a comment

Music to my soul

A Maxim

Gaze into the fire, remembering

All is fire. –Heraclitus

 

Fire is life; life is a flame. Life is fire. Eternal fire.

Here burns a portion of the sun.

Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going?

Non omnis moriar.

In fire is truth. In flammas veritas.

I discovered in my heart, in the middle of winter,

an invisible summer.

Go thou my incense upward from this hearth,

And ask the gods to pardon one clear flame.

             –Edward Abbey, October, 1965


Leave a comment

to a friend

 

Hey doll, how are you and yours doing right now?  
I opened this window with only the idea of sending love and now I’m sitting here having a bit of a spaz because >so many things<

 

It turns out, after all this time thinking that my voice didn’t matter much- I’ve discovered I was wrong. (Something I may have suspected but always thought was just ego prancing about the way it does.) Recently I have been calling, emailing, petitioning and generally making myself a pain in the ass for my representatives by speaking out on every single thing that matters to me  (Everyone needs a hobby, no?) and I am astounded by how much this voicing matters *to me*.   Whether they act on my words or no, each person I have contacted now knows what I expect of them. They know what I hired them to do when I voted.  More importantly, I know I spoke up.

 

It turns out, my voice houses power.  I mean, I knew this, in a ‘call it to you’ kind of way.  But this is sorta different.  This is *political* power, affecting something far outside of my immediate space and so very much broader.  Speaking out my will to those in that big building who have been contracted to work it to the best of their abilities.  Now, I know you’ll shake your head and say “well, they have a lot of people to work for, they can’t possibly do what you want them to do all the time” and that’s as may be, but…  Now they know what I want and they know that I’m paying attention and they will learn that I will continue to use that voice AND most importantly they know that when the time comes ’round again I’ll be voting again- and this time I’ll have been paying closer attention to their acts and words and deeds and holding them accountable for all those things.  I won’t lie, I’m already side-eyeing a couple of guys for replacement.  So I need to be looking at new applicants for those positions and start sharing their names with all my wooden shod friends so when the time comes around they are familiar and not like some weird new candy none of the kids wants to try first.*

 

** I dunno, Mable, that doesn’t look like any kind of taffy I’ve ever seen… You try it first.  **

 

The last few weeks have been tremendous.  Tumultuous.  Sneaky.  Rattling.  Refocusing.  Educational.  I have had to relearn some things and reacclimate to cold calling strangers ( a thing I once did for pay donkey’s years ago).  It’s a process, but I feel more confident now than I did before that first call (after which I had to pace the house and just breathe for about 5 minutes, oh ffs).  Emailing is easy.  It’s almost anonymous and if your voice shakes or you stumble on your words, no one can hear you so you don’t have to feel funny or embarrassed.  Also, texting has weakened our phone skills, y’all.  What the hell?  I used to be able to talk to anyone, ANYONE, on the phone for any reason.  Now it’s a ball of stress.  No.  That’s a thing to remedy.  That’s a worthy skill.  I had no idea it was a skill, but I’ve learned that it TOTALLY IS.

I digress….

My newest lesson is figuring out when they will be voting on things.  I have sources like Countable, the Sixty-Five, and Five Calls and those are great, but I want to be able to plan my calls and emails a bit farther ahead if possible.  So I am looking to see where the dockets are for voting and hearings and so forth.  I’m looking, too, at my local reps and situation and planning to start going to city council meetings.  I am certain they will be excited to get my input in this quite republican corner of the world, haha.  They’re gonna hear it though. 

 

I feel like so many of us were sleeping, just floating along on the dreamfloss of hope and complacency.  I certainly was.  I’m awake now though. 

 

 

 

 

Where *did* I put that Monkey Wrench?

 

 


Leave a comment

Light the torches…

… go into the Earth.

 

“The releasing of anger can better any medicine under the sun…” – Pantera, Mouth for war 

 

I’ve given myself a couple of days to consider the recent turn of events.  I’ve (sort of, not really, kinda, but not quite) forgiven folk for their votes.  At least the ones who were fooled (willingly) by the spin.  That shit is dizzying at best and entirely destructive at worst, so… there’s that I guess.  I wish there was a letter T movement so I could see who deliberately voted for hate- the ones who look at me and wonder why I’m out of the kitchen and wearing shoes (!!), the ones who think my gay friends really do deserve to be stoned, the ones who would kill or deport my friends who are not white.  There should be special glasses that let you see to the heart of a person.  Alas, not yet. 

 

I’ve considered options for my response, and discussed them with Bear- he’s so level headed and an excellent sounding board, especially when I am in full freak out- and we’ve agreed that it would be best for me to stick with my area of ability (expertise feels too ‘experty’ and I’m not sure I’m that at all), so bearing that in mind I’ve begun doing review and research on my plant allies.  As a woman, a mother, and a human being I have always been drawn to work with herbs.  It’s time to broaden my scope and up my game.  I think I need more lists to further distill my ideas, but teaching friends and family how to find and use plants that can help them is at the top of the list- especially those folks who rely on mainstream medicine to keep their hormones balanced, prevent unwanted situations, and generally care for themselves should the need arise.  This hasn’t been a big focus of mine up til now, but I’m thinking it’s time to remedy that.  If you can grow and make your own medicine, then you can carry on a little better in hard times.  Maybe a study group would be useful?  More to consider and discuss with folk I trust. 

 

I am moving forward cautiously, feeling my way in a place that has suddenly become dangerous.  I have good friends, strong friends, loving and kind friends, and I am so grateful for that.  I’ve taken up my gratitude practice again and that has helped me see past the rubble of the tower a bit, into a ruined garden filled with dormant possibilities.  It’s time to suit up and move some stones, and re-create a safe space for my tribe.  I’m so proud to know that I will have the help of my men in this work.  

 

Can I just say how abso-fucking-lutely proud I am of my guys?  Throughout this whole cycle of shitstorm they’ve stood by their woman (me) and by Women and humanity.  They’ve been just as shocked and appalled by this whole thing as I have.  Not once have they looked at me and wondered why I’ve been so upset, so disturbed.  Rather, they’ve been my rock and allowed me to be theirs.  If nothing else has, this proves to me that I’ve done alright as a mother.  I couldn’t be more proud. 

 

I am seeing many folk talking of suicide, in the wake of this result.  This makes me so very sad- that folk are so frightened and downhearted that ending their lives seems a better way.  My thoughts are a little tricky in this arena, but here goes…. 

 

Your life is your own, for better or worse.  Situations that are out of your hands, health that feels impossible to sort out, feeling unloved/uncared for/ hated, despairing, the utter bleakness of depression.  This is a call only you can make, ultimately- but I urge you to talk it through with someone you love who loves you back before you make that choice.  A human being, sovereign in and of zemself, has every right to end their life if they choose, but I feel it is not a choice to be taken lightly or in the heat of a moment.  Make the choice with clear eyes and a clear head.  Remember that all things change and you are valuable because you *are*. 

 

Don’t quit the fight just because you’ve found yourself in a corner- use the leverage and move the world instead. 

 

 


Leave a comment

Awash in Unreality

Yesterday, like so many other Americans, I woke to news that shocked me to my core.  I sat at my kitchen table with the news of the election results and all I could do was stare and wait for my brain to absorb the information that nearly half of my countryfolk voted for a man who has admitted to sexual assault, denigrated women (and called for a repeal of the 19th Amendment), people of any colour, and the disabled, openly fostered hate, and encouraged another country to hack into our government’s computer system.  I spent the morning grieving for the country I thought I knew.  Weeping to know that many of my friends and loved ones feel actively endangered by this result and fear for their safety and wellbeing.  Weeping for the women who voted against themselves.  Angry at white America.  Angry at the media for indulging in what began as something I never thought would progress this far.  

Here we are.  

So, this is how our democracy works.  The people vote and whomever wins the electoral votes (not necessarily the popular vote, as evidenced by our results), wins.  Lacking a justified legal challenge, that’s the end of it.  Many of us are shocked and saddened and angry that a man who fosters such fear and hate was elected to the highest office of our land.  We are afraid of what’s to come.  We expect to have to fight- for our rights, for our planet, for our humanity.  

Many of us grieve the lost trust in our neighbour- even without knowing it- for these are the people who, disregarding his lack of ethics and offensive personal behaviour, still voted for him.  Women who in every case voted against their own personal best interest.  People are protesting already.  It’s understandable, but unhelpful at this point, I think.  Now is the time to regroup and unify.  Remember, the folks who voted for him don’t necessarily see him as dangerous- they see him as hope- for jobs and to correct a government they believe has gotten to big.  We seldom believe we are the bad guy, regardless of which side of the fence we sit on. 

We have to forgive our neighbours for voting their fear, their worst voices.  Forgive them for being tricked into listening without their hearts.  *I* have to do this, or I’m not sure how I can move forward without being bitter/fearful/hateful/walled up all the time.  That’s not helpful and it’s certainly no way to live.  I have to keep moving forward, we all do.  So we need to get clear.  We need to forgive and save the fight for when we know for certain where to land the punch. 

Nothing has happened yet.  They’re all still nodding and smiling (if sadly in some cases) and doing the first changeover steps.  We have a moment to breathe, to rest, and most importantly to plan.  We can be peaceful, quiet, and go on with our lives- but when the time comes, when the first gauntlet is tossed, we must take it seriously and stand for what we believe in.  For our rights, for our neighbours and loved ones, for our planet.  We cannot let him role back women’s rights, civil rights, environmental protections, and all the civil progress we have made. 

He’s told us what he intends to do in the first 100 days of his term.  We have a moment to plan our responses, consider all our options and grow stronger in our chosen arenas, and ready ourselves for what’s to come.  We have learned that he is not a threat to be taken lightly.  Many of us never expected him to be taken seriously when he first threw his hat in the ring, and look where we are now.  We can’t make the same mistake this time. 


Leave a comment

prime the pump

I’m trying to find my way.  Navigating out of the brambles and brain decay of social media to the place where I think and know what to do when I have a free moment (or I don’t but it doesn’t matter).  I am breaking free of the hold the online ‘book has on me and my brain and my time.  My connection with my family. 

 

But there’s so much there!  All the videos and memes and gifs and, and, and,… wait… political shit, and religious shit, and omg how did I NOT KNOW that person is a bigot!?  

 

Enough.  Enough tempests in teapots.  Enough drama for the sake of it.  Enough seeing every mental burp and fart from people on my list.  I have found that, in this scenario, familiarity really *has* bred contempt.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me look at people I once was close with and wonder what happened.  Were we always this different and I just missed it because I don’t live inside their head?  Because I *didn’t* see every mental burp and fart?  I think so, but that it was softened by the natural space we had between us before.  I’ve come to the conclusion that a little space is a good thing.  A little mystery is fine.  How did this online community thing get so out of hand?  It’s time for me to do something else with my time.  If I want to communicate with someone, there are better ways.  More concrete ways.  I feel like social media has become more and more like a mob, everyone shouting over each other and spewing their brand of rhetoric all over everything. 

 

I know, I know.  It has its good points too.  But they’ve become very minor in comparison for me. 

 

I have trouble making eye contact now.  Isn’t that crazy?  I’m so out of practice, that it feels weird to look my loved ones in the eye when I’m speaking to them.  Y’all, that is Not Okay.  What am I modelling for Monkey?  That technology should be allowed to train us to interact a certain way in person?  That it’s ok to spend an insane amount of time looking at the same shit over and over in case someone posted something new?  That memes with twee sayings should take the place of deep thought and meditation?  That it’s ok to ignore physical reality for the virtual? 

 

None of that is ok. 

 

So I have been working hard to reanimate myself.  It’s not physically difficult like lifting weights or moving house.  It is shockingly difficult mentally.  I have been a well trained social media monkey.  I’m getting there though.  That short attention span thing?  That has prevented me writing (like this) or reading anything longer than a blurb and finishing it for a while now.  Longer than I would like to admit to, so I won’t. 

 

But!  This week I read Dr Sleep (thank you Stephen King, for another ringer) in 2 days.  It was like finding a piece of myself I thought was lost for good.  Before social media (and massage school) *that* was how I read.  Fast, well, with intensity, and with great pleasure.  To have that back, even if only a bit at a time, means so much.  I have been working on moving past the weirdness feeling of eye contact and that, too, is improving for me.  It makes me so glad. 

 

I am working on it.  I am improving.  I am finding my way home to myself.  A couple weeks ago a Blind Faith song lodged itself in my head and forced me to find an audible version to listen to.  Once I did I wept for the first time in months and months.  It was as if the Music and my soul were looking at me and saying ‘It’s time to get up and get back on the road, girlie.  Where have you been?’ 

 

Sometimes we get detoured.  Shit happens.  All we can do is what we can do.  If you’re feeling lost take a smoke break*, listen for the Music, and get moving again. 

 

 

 

 

Unknowingly, someone else has played a part in the stirring of my words and I want to say thanks to Rue.  I read her post today and it was like a bell rang inside me.  It felt like the sediment and murk at the bottom of me where all my words had fallen in a heap to decay were given a sound shake, and some new tiny shoot came forth from that compost.  So thank you Rue.

 

 

*even if you don’t smoke- it’s that moment you get to go outside and look around at the moment and all you have to do is stand there for 10 minutes.  Smoke breaks are really all about changing perspective….


2 Comments

Where I am…

It’s just an experiment.

image

Strive to be yourself.

image

image

Follow your Bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. -Joseph Campbell

image

image

Make the journey with joy.

image

If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try…. -Seth Godin


Leave a comment

Friends like these….

     ~The Monkey boy is having friend troubles.  He’s discovering that not all friends are created equal, and not all are true.  This makes me sad for him.  It also points up how lazy I have become with my own friends.  I need to make some calls and catch up.  Have some folks out for dinner.  We’re planning a Halloween party again this year, and I’ve been less than enthusiastic (read: apathetic) in my prep.  Part of it is that I have such limited time with Bear right now, I don’t want to share him or be distracted from my time with him.  He’s still apprenticing with the Wave at the ink shop as well as working full time at the Job, and I miss our previous level of free time together.  Still, friends are so important.  Those connections… well, they matter.  When they fray and wear away it’s sad.  I will make more effort to be a better friend. 

 

      ~I came out of the gate with the best intentions post school.  Alas, I’ve been in the doldrums regarding my practice.  I still haven’t gotten sorted a location, or a plan.  Frankly, I’m feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing.  It’s all very- now I’ve waited and fucked it all up- and melodrama in my head.  Meanwhile, my logical brain can only look on, shaking her head gently and knowing that eventually I’ll get my shit together.  No telling how long it will take though.  Feh. 

 

     ~Went to a wedding today for a friend (see, not totally neglecting my friends!) who is a huge geek.  It was sweet, and I’m very happy for them.  It was also a bit like being at the renaissance fair- so in the future when I ask what the dress code is for an event, I’ll take them seriously if they say “corsets and kilts”!  Have to say that I much prefer the tartan kilt to the utilikilt, although with all those pockets I can absolutely see why they’re popular.  I’d get a kick out of seeing Bear wear one, although I think there’s about an icecube’s chance in hell of it actually happening.  Anyway, a good time was had by many and gluten free wedding cake, properly made, is quite tasty. 

 

     ~I’m rereading IT, by Stephen King at the moment.  It’s one of my comfort reads- when the world doesn’t make sense, I sit and let S.K. tell me the story of how kids beat the monster against all odds.  A good reminder that things come out in the wash.  I wonder if The Stand mighn’t be more appropriate given recent news about Ebola….  Heh. 

 

~At this moment I have a warm dog in my lap, tea brewing, my fellas home for the night, and dinner in the oven.  Life is good.