motheralice

thoughts randlomly dropped


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Pensieve

     Well, it’s June, which means my month of vacation is over.  It’s time to return to regular daily stuff.  Monkey is getting back to homeschool work, and I will be returning to ‘work’ on massage stuffs.  This means a website, pamphlets, real grown-up business cards (no more of this small-time “student” nonsense), marketing.  I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment.  Until the board licenses me, I can’t get paid.  I’m tired of working out of my home and hauling my table all over creation, so I need business space.  I have no idea how best to go about finding the perfect (read: inexpensive) digs for my office.  Also, I might be having a small crisis of confidence.  Or slightly larger, but really, who’s measuring? 

 

One of my classmates had an office paid for and decorated before we graduated. He’s already done the whole LLC thing, pretty much has a full roster of clients, and he’s also still waiting on his license to come thru.  It’s really no wonder I feel inadequate.  Of course, I reckon I could have done all that if I operated the same way he did- but I feel like he’s a bit more together on this than I am (and maybe a bit more type A). 

 

I feel like this most recent internal struggle for me is about duality.  On the one hand, I want to be my own boss and in charge of my own everything.  On the other hand, responsibility- urgh.  This is probably why I am at impasse with everything else related to this.  I’ve tied m’self into 2 different directions and nothing can move forward until I decide which way *is* forward. So, I have to decide- am I going to be in charge?  Am I willing to take full responsibility for the entire circus?  If not, I’d better seek out a spa or someplace to be my packmule.  Of course that also means I will have fewer options as to things like scheduling and location, and my pay may be significantly lower.  I think owning the circus and working it looks like a better option.  So the next thing to deal with is the fear. 

 

What if I flop?  What if the business falls flat on my face?  What if I get out there and can’t perform? 

 

Well, I reckon I’d be out a chunk of change and I’d need to take another run at it from a different angle.  The performance….  I don’t really think that’ll be a problem.  Things I have questions on, I can always look to my references- human, book, and net.  The underlying fear of doing accidental harm- I’m fairly certain my tendency to err on the side of caution will be my ally there.  It may mean seeing slightly slower results at times, but often slower, more gentle work ‘takes’ better and lasts longer. 

 

With all that out of the way, I can consider digs.  Optimal things:

*within walking distance

*inexpensive (does not cause stress to make rent/utilities)

*includes a bathroom

*waiting area (including chairs/table/bookshelf)

*space for must-needs storage (linens/oils/etc)

*light (windows & decent overhead light)

 

I feel like I’ve missed a thing or 2, but that’s a start.  The walking distance one is a good starting point, gives me a definite area to look at.  Everything else will follow.  It’s time to take a deep breath, go for a walk, and get started. 

 


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Coming along

Well now.  I’ve been working steadily on a few bits and pieces and am beginning to see a little progress.  It’s… surprising, daunting, exciting.  One of my Hula sisters is a massage therapist, and she just got a nifty new table.  I bought her old one for a fantastic price and it will serve nicely for my healing work.  I’ve lined up an info gathering trip to a local massage school in a couple of weeks- we’ll see how that turns out.  Things are a bit up in the air with Bear’s job at the mo, and I’m not sure taking on a largish debt is something we (I) should be doing right now.  Have to see what’s down the line.  Classes don’t start til Fall though, so I’ve a bit of time before I have to make a decision.*  I’ll be calling about space for my healing work today (since I have a table to put folks on now). 

All this just scares the shit out of me. 

I know it’s an irrational thing, this fear.  I know the worst/best that could happen is I have to try again.  It’s been a while since I’ve put myself out there like this, though.  I’m out of practice.  I know this is doable, because I’ve seen that others have done it.  What’s that bit from Dune?


‘I must not fear

Fear is the mind-killer

Fear is the little death that brings oblivion. 

I will allow the fear to pass over me and through me

and when it is gone,

Only I will remain.’

 

Or something like that….  Have a groovy day, y’all.  May all your fears be groundless. 

 

 

*I have one of those panic-adrenaline rushes right now, just writing about it.  OMG.


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After a bit of knitting, a flick, and some cookies…

Feeling better today.  Lovely weather, sunshine and a bit of a loose plan all help with that.  Went through and double checked all my security junk after the whole crazy people thing and am feeling pretty good about it all.  I’m a bit shocked at the visceral reaction I had, just to unwanted communications.  I’m listening to it though, over the years I’ve found it’s not worth it to ignore my intuitions. 

 

In the parking lot at the grocery today I saw a fender bender.  A good reminder to me (and all involved) to Pay Attention.  Man A was either pulling into a spot or out of it, and Man B was backing straight out.  A honked, several times and long ones, B continued to back.  He couldn’t have been looking at all.  A’s vehicle was a minivan and it was almost perpendicular to B’s vehicle.  Nothing major- just enough for a dent and shake of the van I suspect.  Still, sometimes we miss the most obvious things because we’re just not paying enough attention.

 

I am often guilty of this. 

 

I tend to ‘brown out’ sometimes on things that don’t seem important, then later wonder why Bear/Monkey is insisting they told me something.  They did, I wasn’t paying attention- to one of the two most important people in my life.  Today I will have Open Eyes, and Attentive Mind. 

Cheers~

 


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a walk in the woods

Headed out with the boys today for a wander in the woods.  It was lovely.  We took the mutts along, as they haven’t gone for a roam for some time and it seemed like they were excited about going in the car.  (Or at least leaving the yard.)  We found ourselves at the newish preserve annex not far from home where Bear likes to run from time to time.  Leaving the water in the car seemed like a fine idea, since we didn’t expect to be out too long- Bear needed to get to bed at a reasonable hour- and I loathe carrying things (any things) while woodswalking.  Leashes firmly clasped in hand, off we went. Immediately we found a path Bear hadn’t ever taken and opted for that one. 

Possibly, we should’ve taken the water. 

As it turns out, while I can navigate quite well out in the manmade world- finding my way out of places I’ve never been through sheer gut instinct and good street sign logic- my nav system is a bit lacking in the wilds.  Heh.  It was quite a pleasant walk, if longer than anticipated.  Toward the end, though, it sprinkled on us a bit and cooled us off.  The dogs, though, were tired and thirsty.  The consistent lack of ANY water in ANY creek we passed impressed strongly upon me just how dry it has been the last 2 months.  Wow.  I thought for certain there would be a bit of creek water the mutts could stop in and have a sip, and each place we passed was damp to the touch but nothing more.  I gave them almost all the water when we got back to the car.  We were only out 2 hours or so, but as I said- it’s been a while since they were out working that hard for that long (think hills, steep ones). 

There was a moment while we were out, during the time we were wondering just how Far the end of the trail was, that gave me pause. 

looking for a lift

We happened on this tattered dear, a painted lady, fluttering and crawling in the grass.  I wondered what we could do for her.  We stood around her and looked.  Then Bear put his foot near her and she climbed on. 

tattered but willing

He lifted his foot slightly, and she took off.  I was amazed.  I thought for sure her tattered wings wouldn’t hold her aloft and she’d flutter back down to the ground, but she rose slowly until she was above our heads and farther up the path.  We followed along watching until her path took her into deeper cover and ours took us out of it. 

This is my reminder for today.  Sometimes we struggle along, battered and bruised, trying to do what we are born to do.  All we need is the smallest help, a bit of lift, a hand out of the mess and we can fly again. Sometimes it requires more effort than before, but that’s the nature of life, isn’t it? Change? Effort? If we do nothing, we dwindle into nothing. We fade and are left fluttering in the breeze of the vibrant world around us. When we make effort, changing our patterns out of need or desire- we live, we shine, we inspire.

Remember to help one another. Remember to be kind.

Cheers.


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driving directions

There’s a new girl at work, 16 and still green.  Had no idea just HOW green til I tried giving her directions to a local Hotel (for a family member’s birthday).  It went something like this:

“Ok, so you go down Main street, cross the river and at…”

“wait, what river?”

“you know how to get to the government building, right?”

“yeah,”

“You cross the bridge…”

“What bridge?”

“How do you get here?”

“In a car.”

“(snickering) I KNOW that, I mean which way?”

“Well, I don’t really know…”

“But you’re driving, right?”

“Yeah.”

” And you don’t know how you get here?”

“Well, you know, I come from that way.” (points vaguely)

(laughing openly) “But you come past the government building?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you cross the river.  On a bridge.”

“No, there’s no river around there.”

“Yes, there is.  It’s big.  The bridge has 6 lanes.  Look, you know the war memorial?  With the guy on top of it?”

“Yes.  It’s huge”

“It’s also right next to the river.”

Eventually we got it all sorted out.  I wrote down directions, in the (possibly vain) hope that they would lead her to her destination.  But I have to wonder….  How is it that someone is so oblivious they don’t notice the (large) river they cross everyday on the way to work??  And of course there was much speculation on alternate modes of transportation.

A herd of elephants, perhaps?

Magic carpet?

Sled dogs, pulling her valiantly across town?

A chariot drawn by cats?

And of course once we got to laughing, there was no end to the nonsense and laughter.  By the time I clocked out my ribs hurt and most of my eye makeup was wiped away.  Some days, work is good.  🙂