thoughts randlomly dropped

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Friends like these….

     ~The Monkey boy is having friend troubles.  He’s discovering that not all friends are created equal, and not all are true.  This makes me sad for him.  It also points up how lazy I have become with my own friends.  I need to make some calls and catch up.  Have some folks out for dinner.  We’re planning a Halloween party again this year, and I’ve been less than enthusiastic (read: apathetic) in my prep.  Part of it is that I have such limited time with Bear right now, I don’t want to share him or be distracted from my time with him.  He’s still apprenticing with the Wave at the ink shop as well as working full time at the Job, and I miss our previous level of free time together.  Still, friends are so important.  Those connections… well, they matter.  When they fray and wear away it’s sad.  I will make more effort to be a better friend. 


      ~I came out of the gate with the best intentions post school.  Alas, I’ve been in the doldrums regarding my practice.  I still haven’t gotten sorted a location, or a plan.  Frankly, I’m feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing.  It’s all very- now I’ve waited and fucked it all up- and melodrama in my head.  Meanwhile, my logical brain can only look on, shaking her head gently and knowing that eventually I’ll get my shit together.  No telling how long it will take though.  Feh. 


     ~Went to a wedding today for a friend (see, not totally neglecting my friends!) who is a huge geek.  It was sweet, and I’m very happy for them.  It was also a bit like being at the renaissance fair- so in the future when I ask what the dress code is for an event, I’ll take them seriously if they say “corsets and kilts”!  Have to say that I much prefer the tartan kilt to the utilikilt, although with all those pockets I can absolutely see why they’re popular.  I’d get a kick out of seeing Bear wear one, although I think there’s about an icecube’s chance in hell of it actually happening.  Anyway, a good time was had by many and gluten free wedding cake, properly made, is quite tasty. 


     ~I’m rereading IT, by Stephen King at the moment.  It’s one of my comfort reads- when the world doesn’t make sense, I sit and let S.K. tell me the story of how kids beat the monster against all odds.  A good reminder that things come out in the wash.  I wonder if The Stand mighn’t be more appropriate given recent news about Ebola….  Heh. 


~At this moment I have a warm dog in my lap, tea brewing, my fellas home for the night, and dinner in the oven.  Life is good.


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A little perspective check.


I’ve been bitching almost nonstop about my leg the last few weeks.  Even for me it’s getting old, so you know it’s definitely old for Bear and Monkey and everyone else I’ve spoken to recently.  But.  Perspective. 

A week ago tonight a friend’s son lost his fight with brain cancer. 


Here I sit, healthy, with my glass of wine, writing this blog, having eaten a spectacular dinner of szechuan green beans.  Yeah, my leg hurts.  Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass.  Bonus?  My family are all healthy and here with me.  My son is not ill, not so much as a sniffle.  I am not in agony knowing his days will be fewer than mine. 

They got carry out from the Chinese tonight, and I told them it was on me.  What else could I do?  I can’t fix their pain or soften the sharp edges of the hole in their hearts and lives, so, like so many others, I gave them food and hugs and told them I’m here if they need me.  I gave them all that I could in that moment.  And it didn’t matter a bit that I had to hobble to bring them the bag.  What might they and their son have given for him to just have a pulled calf? 


My life is not that difficult and it’s time for me to remember that.  I don’t have to walk miles for clean water.  I have hot and cold indoor plumbing AND electricity.  I have access to just about anything I want materialistically (assuming I have the cash for it at that moment).  I have my health, even if it includes a sore leg.  My leg is healing.  Most of all, I have Bear and Monkey and Pup.  I have friends and family I love and who love me.  It’s time for me to count my blessings and know that it could all go away any time. 


Music to suit my thoughts


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little things

What’s in my head at the moment:


:: I’ve been an absolute knitting fiend lately.  Working on a cardigan sweater (pattern came from this book) and this is the largest item I’ve done to date.  It might be finished some day- but in the meantime, it’s at least a learning experience….  Having just taken a really clear look at it (not all bundled up while I’m working on it) it really is looking like something a person might wear someday.  Nice. 

Imperfect, but comfy. I hope.

I honestly had no idea I had it in me.  Someday this will be wearable.  I feel so cool. 


:: My brother’s girlfriend is pregnant with her first child and his fourth.  I couldn’t fucking believe it when he told me.  In the grocery store.  The tea aisle will never be the same.  I suppose I’d be happier for them if I felt like either one of them was going to be getting their shit together anytime soon.  As it is, they have a lot of nonsense they’d do well to straighten out before having any more kids.  Oh, well.  Here’s hoping it works out for the best. 


:: Bear’s job is going to drive me bananas.  It’s exhausting him and sucking up all his time.  This makes me want to cross my arms and stomp like a child having a tantrum.  I miss him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss hanging out with him.  I miss sitting in the kitchen with him over coffee.  I miss cuddling and having sex and laughing and everything with him.  Stupid job.  Stupid bills.  I wish I could not be sad about this.  I wish I could fix it for him.  And me.  I can’t wait til he finds something better, even if it doesn’t pay as well. 


:: My birthday just passed, and I am now 35.  Or 8 depending on whether you want to play around with numerology.  Sometimes I act about 8 (see above).  My day was pretty great.  Bear and Monkey and I all got to hang out for a while in the morning, then there were many well wishes from friends and framily, and then (to my utter surprise) a couple other friends gave me a kindle.  (Thus continuing the legacy of my being dragged into the digital age by intrepid, kind, fearless, tech savvy friends).  I’ve been playing around with it and have to say, it’s pretty cool.  My library has kindle editions now and I have to admit, it’s a nice way to hit the libe without using any gas.  Hooray for cool friends.  Also, 35 is pretty great in itself.  😉 


:: I got my hair cut on Mabon.  The timing was serendipitous, but quite appropriate.  It was down to my ass and getting heavy (as it will be to do), so I had my guy cut it up to my bra line.  He was quite amazed given that I’m normally all “just take off an inch or 2, but not much more”.  The thing is, when you have to move your hair so you can roll over without injuring yourself- it’s time to get some of it cut.  In addition to that- the weight was really getting annoying.  Now it’s too short, but that’s just me needing to adjust to not being able to hold it straight down my extended arm anymore.  At any rate, I sat in the chair all relaxed and calm and considered the seasons coming and going and tried to take time to mentally prepare myself for the coming winter.  It’s going to take more work, I’m afraid.  We had a bit of a cold snap, and I’m still nowhere near ready.  The closest I’ve come is unshrinking a sweater that found it’s way into the dryer.  Not a bad job and not too difficult, but it took me, like, 4 towels where the instructions I found said “an absorbent towel”.  Maybe theirs was more absorbent than mine?  I bet.  I did let the sweater soak longer than 10 minutes (hello attention span of a hyper squirrel).  Also, I used my kitchen sink since it’s larger and I knew my whole bathroom would end up wet if I tried it in there.  Good directions though. 

blocking the damp sweater

:: Samhain is coming and I am quite looking forward to it, thinking I may do something a bit different this season….  Still haven’t decided what quite yet. 


:: Halloween prep is on our minds as well.  I’m planning to dye my hair for my costume- just have to find the right shade of red/auburn/ginger.  I need Bear for this (colour is one of his skills), and so am assuming it will have to be done at one of those ridiculous hours of day when he’s actually awake.  Monkey is planning to do a Werewolf, but I’ve seen no action toward it other than browsing at the store.  We’ll see.  He says he won’t trick or treat this year.  We’ll see about that too.  It would make me sad to see him stop so young (said the girl who went trick or treating til she was 19 and would still go to houses if it wouldn’t earn filthy looks and comments).


I think I’ve come to the end.  I know I haven’t posted lately and that’s 1 part life and 1 part laziness.  I’ll work on that.  In the meantime be kind, breathe deep, share the love. 





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…what makes the world go ’round

It’s interesting the way life works sometimes.

Just the other day I was considering that sometimes we all need a little ‘lift’ in life, a leg up, if you will. And today, I got a text from Whiskey asking if I have any furniture I want to get rid of as he knows of a homeless man who will be getting his own apartment at the end of this week- and he needs Everything.


Immediately I began to mentally scan my basement and house for whatever I could pass along and I texted a couple friends to see if they had anything to offer. I asked my boss. Before I left work I had a box of dishes that were still ok, but no longer the quality she wanted to serve from. My cousin buzzed me back and told me of end tables and lamps. Another friend had more tables and a rocker to add. Still another told me she had to check her storage space and that she’d get back to me.


I cannot express how proud I am to know these kind, caring people. Whiskey is a social worker in an area where funding has been cut to the bone, so he is seeking help in other avenues for this person. My friends, when contacted, asked no questions other than “what does he need?”. My son is willing to lend his hands and strength to shift things.

Their kindness glows.


It is my hope that by the time this man takes charge of his new place he will have the beginnings of comforts he has been lacking the last fist full of years. He will get the lift he needs to regain his own flight, and the people who have helped him will be reminded once more that kindness lives in small gestures as well as large.


Be kind to one another out there, and recognise kindness directed at you.



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night thoughts

It’s late, and I’ve not much to say so this shouldn’t take too long. 


Been watching the news on London the last few days and I’m saddened and disheartened by all the thoughtless, meaningless violence.  I cannot imagine what it must be like for the people who live in those neighbourhoods to wait for this to pass, then go clean up in the morn.  How frightening and angering.  My heart goes out to them. 


Tried to touch base this eve with a long distance friend from whom I’ve not seen anything for a while.  She lives in the UK, although not really near the trouble, but it’s made me wonder in a more pronounced way how she is….  Well, I hope.  Left a note where I hope she’ll find it, fingers crossed.  🙂


The fam and I took the summer off homeschooling.  Our first ‘real’ summer break ever.  It’s been nice, but it’s time for assessment and getting back into the groove.  I suspect this year will see more social activities, based on comments from Monkey.  With him being an official teenager now, I can only imagine what that will mean for me.  Yikes.  I know for a start it will entail more research on my end and on his. 


Bear is getting on alright at work.  Being a glorified babysitter is not his cup of tea, but he can do it- and well.  The rumour at the moment is that one of his problem children will be moving to first shift.  That would be quite nice for him, I think.  I’m sure it would make his life much more pleasant there if he didn’t have to constantly herd CP back into his area.  He’s got quite enough on his mind at the moment trying to figure out how we’ll potentially pay for a trip to Disneyland this winter.  It’s mom’s birthday and she wants the whole family to go.  Holy fucking frogspawn.  Someone mentioned the prospect of the Harry Potter world in Disney but, alas, that’s in Orlando- not California.  Which is a pretty big disappointment since that would’ve been a HUGE draw for me.  Oh, well.  We’ll get it all sorted, one way or another.  I’d like to go just since I’ve never been and it sounds like it could be fun….. 


I reckon I’m all rambled out.  Take it easy out there.  Be kind to one another. 




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let your heart be light

It’s Valentine’s day, a season (since it starts around New Year’s now) when hearts and pink and red become unavoidable.  Men are told diamonds and roses are necessary for peace in the home, and women feel (vaguely) obligated to wear the sexy undies on their dates that night.  But really, what should V-day be about?  Well, there’s a whole passel of places to find out the origins of St. Valentine’s day so I’m not even going to bother with that.  What I’m aiming at is: what do you WANT it to be about?

If it’s purely a romantic thing, all flowers and cuddles and sexiness- go for it.

If you feel obligated to get a card to recognize a day pre written on the calendar, (you shouldn’t) I reckon that’s ok too.  As long as you don’t go all guilt stricken when the card shows up late (usually what happens to my obligation gifts- they land in limbo for a week or so before finding their way to the intended persons).


What if we collectively decide to open the possibilities up?  What is good for our hearts?  Not in the eatrightexercise way, so much as what makes your heart light.  I mean, don’t get me wrong…. food makes my heart happy.  Especially when it’s prepared with love and I enjoy it with people I love.  Exercise too, makes my heart happy- I’m so much less stressed after a nice long Hula class.  Mostly because I have to change my focus from all things everywhere to what my physical body is doing AT THIS MOMENT.  Coordinate.  Hands, hips, feet.  (It takes a lot of focus.)

In the spirit of that, here’s a list of a few things that make my heart happy, fill me with love, and generally lighten my soul:

:: Laughter.  I go through periods when it seems I’m laughing all the time and it’s wonderful.  It makes me happy, cheerful with others and more patient with people I would otherwise threaten with sudden destruction.  I’m going to try to extend those amusing periods.

:: Bear.  He makes me feel all soft and mushy inside, pulls me up when I’m down, makes me laugh, lets me vent, and occasionally brings me strawberries.  He has shown me a world I would never have known without him.  He’s so good for my heart.

:: Monkey.  When I’m having one of those omgimabadparentcausethelaundryisallstackedandidon’teverdoanythingaroundthehouseandi’msuppos

edtoTEACHthiskidsomething days inevitably he tells me how much he loves me and that he’s glad I’m his mom.  Without prompting.  🙂  How can that not make you feel better.  It’s like the magic kiss on the boo-boo.

:: Kindness.  You know how when, on the spur of the moment, you do something really kind for someone with no thought or intent behind it other than to help and you get that really light, cheerful feeling after?  I love that.  Or when strangers start being nice, holding doors for you and offering to help you with whatever, and everyone’s all “thank you” “you’re welcome” and you feel friendly?  Yeah.  That’s it.

:: Framily.  These are the people who, though not actually related to me, I have adopted and come to consider my own.  I love them all dearly (though I don’t tell them often).  I call them when I’m up, down, or sideways and they call me, too.  We break bread, drink coffee and wine, laugh, mock, sing, dance, dress up, spend holidays, bitch, and maybe even cry together.  They are my support system, they too, are good for my heart.

There’s more, I know, but I’d be here all day and you get the idea.  At any rate, the point is- don’t let others define how you celebrate and view the world.  You have your own lenses and they see differently than any others.  Have a fabulous Monday.  Do something kind for yourself or someone else.  Laugh.  Tell the people you love that you love them.  Then do it again tomorrow and the day after.


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ink on my hands

Algebra.  Just that word makes me want to grimace.  Homeschooling Monkey is getting tricky as we approach the higher maths, which can be frustrating for everyone in the house.  Chatted with Godfather about this and he said he’d be willing to do some tutoring for us, since math is cakework for him.  Nice to know Someone understands it.  🙂  I’m quite looking forward to it, though.  Almost finished with the US history book we’re working through, and then it’s time to broaden horizons.

Lunch today with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.  Looking forward to catching up.  Yoga class continues to be a source of amusement for me.  Some of the poses we do are just a riot.  It’s hard for me to not gigglesnickerchuckle in the middle of them.  I try not to since I’m pretty sure people would think I was laughing at them, rather than the ideas my brain gives me about the actual movements.  And some of them just make me feel silly.  The first week was Zombie yoga, this week was Surfing yoga.  It keeps me grinning though…..

Played around a bit with Bear’s tattoo machine last eve.  He’s got this fake skin and was working on that, then on an orange.  The difference in the way the two took the ink was amazing.  Not sure how ‘skin-like’ the fake skin is.  Certainly less supple and the orange really shows it if you cut the skin, rather than inking it.  Also, it smells really good.  😉  Tattooing is hard on the hands though, I can totally see how you’d build strength there.  Those machines are heavy.

You know those things that happen to friends and you wish you could help, but all you can really do is be there if they need you?  I’ve one of those at the moment.  All I can say is: Man, I know it’s heavy.  I’m here to help lighten the load if I can.  Even if it’s just with booze and food and a bit of a laugh.