thoughts randlomly dropped

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“Heard you comin’ up the gravel road…

…I could tell it was you by the weight of the load.*”


Wow, I reckon it’s been a bit since I wrote here last…. Everything’s all fancy and redone.  Alrighty then. 


Things have been… strenuous lately.  Not in the lifting heavy things and shifting them around the place way, but more in the sloggingthroughwhatever-that-is-ohitdoesn’tsmellverypleasantdoesit? kind of way.  Let’s be honest.  February sucked so hard it’s inside out.  Not just for me either- that would be comparatively easy.  It’s watching everyone else slog that poses more trouble for me.  For instance:

~A family member revealed that he’s a long time heroin user and wants to stop.  (As I type this, this song started playing- the universe DOES, in fact, have a crafty sense of humour.  Or something.)

~Several friends having money issues in such a way as to jeapordise current operations.

~Another friend’s husband shipped out for Afghanistan

~Another friend’s mother has ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease– which is fucking awful.  “painless, non-contagious and cruel — the motor function of the central nervous system is destroyed but the mind remains fully aware to the end.”  To be filed under “I’d rather drink Hemlock- same effect, more glamour.”  Fuckall.)

~misc other similar issues happening to EVERYONE AT ONCE

And to ice the cake::

~Bear had to go to hospital for appendicitis (which we didn’t know he was having because the pain went away- which apparently means IT RUPTURED, but because his body is FUCKING AMAZING he did NOT get peritonitis because there was an abscess with all the toxins neatly collected within.)


Deep breath. 


So, yeah.  Fuck February.  Like, all the way. 


March is better so far, and I fully intend for things to continue in a better direction.  Dealing with my addicted family member- henceforth referred to as Flash- has been trying at times.  I have to keep reminding myself I can’t fix him.  I can’t solve his (multitude of self inflicted) problems.  This is his fire to walk through.  All I can do is remind him he can do it.  I gave him the old saying ‘I can eat an elephant if I take small bites’.  I remind him to take one thing at a time.  I remind him I love him, and that he can do this.  He has such a long, potholed road before him. 


Classes have been good.  They are a touchstone for me- my classmates have such a positive, kind, supportive attitude overall.  How lucky I am to be learning healing arts with such a marvellous group.  The material is getting more difficult, which means I have to take my study time more seriously.  Which is a good thing.  I’m still trying to figure out what my post licensing plan is.  I’m loving the healer-bodyworker concept, but I live in the land of conservative which makes marketing a rubic’s cube to figure out.  Good thing I have a marketing madman to ask about these things. 

I gave the first massage I’m not pleased with over the weekend, though.  A learning experience, and the client didn’t seem to know the difference, but I did and it’s definitely something for me to process and improve on.  I have a pretty good idea of where and what my problem was- just need to be sure I don’t allow it to happen again.  I wasn’t focused, and so I went through the motions but there was no energy flow of note.  Not that I have to be in charge of every little thing, but my goal is to facilitate movement and improved flow of energy.  I’m a conduit.  If I’m distracted, I’m disconnected and therefore Not a conduit, but rather, a cut wire.  That is not what I’m going for.  A lesson, and one I don’t plan to repeat. 


Bear’s tattoo enterprise is coming along.  Had him work on me for the first time last night.  He was nervous as hell, but still did well.  Just a small one, an easy one.  Something to ease him into working on me.  I have more planned and I look forward to him gaining the skills to complete my plans (mwahahahaha).  He’s recovering well from surgery, although he lost almost 20 pounds over the week he wasn’t feeling well- mostly muscle mass- which has caused him a bit of difficulty.  He literally has to get his strength back.  Having him in hospital was so very scary.  I coped really well when the shit was in the fan.  A couple weeks after is when I had my meltdown.  There’s nothing like seeing the person you love most in the universe lying helpless in a hospital bed to reality check you on what you would do if you had to do it alone.  Not something I ever want to experience again.  Told Bear he better stay healthy from here on out, and that I would do the same. 


Sometimes it’s a wonder to me that we are here at all, let alone that we find others to love and be happy with.  How lucky we are to have such magick in our lives.  The joy and fear and sorrow and everything of love and being connected to those we love.  Astounding, really, that some can get by for so long without it.  It’s worth it to remember that everyone is fighting valiantly some battle or other, and be kinder for that remembrance.  Even on days when the weight of air on your skin tries your patience.  

Be good to you.  Be good to one another. 




*Dust and Bones by Cary Ann Hearst



Coming along

Well now.  I’ve been working steadily on a few bits and pieces and am beginning to see a little progress.  It’s… surprising, daunting, exciting.  One of my Hula sisters is a massage therapist, and she just got a nifty new table.  I bought her old one for a fantastic price and it will serve nicely for my healing work.  I’ve lined up an info gathering trip to a local massage school in a couple of weeks- we’ll see how that turns out.  Things are a bit up in the air with Bear’s job at the mo, and I’m not sure taking on a largish debt is something we (I) should be doing right now.  Have to see what’s down the line.  Classes don’t start til Fall though, so I’ve a bit of time before I have to make a decision.*  I’ll be calling about space for my healing work today (since I have a table to put folks on now). 

All this just scares the shit out of me. 

I know it’s an irrational thing, this fear.  I know the worst/best that could happen is I have to try again.  It’s been a while since I’ve put myself out there like this, though.  I’m out of practice.  I know this is doable, because I’ve seen that others have done it.  What’s that bit from Dune?

‘I must not fear

Fear is the mind-killer

Fear is the little death that brings oblivion. 

I will allow the fear to pass over me and through me

and when it is gone,

Only I will remain.’


Or something like that….  Have a groovy day, y’all.  May all your fears be groundless. 



*I have one of those panic-adrenaline rushes right now, just writing about it.  OMG.

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Story of my life….

November is nearly over.  It’s finally cold- I’m freezing my ass off as I sit here in my layers waiting for the heat to come on.  Monkey is in the other room feeding his Yuletide film addiction with a Wonderful Life.  My car is in the shop for some unknown, but stinky ailment.  Hopefully Wrench will call with good news in the morn.  There are gifts awaiting wrap.  A large metal chicken decorated with lights, affectionately named ‘Beyonce’ (jr)’, on my porch. 


“It’s hard putting christmas lights on a chicken.”


The wine in my glass diminishes by the moment and I am still not satisfied~ mainly because it’s not coffee.  In trying to be sensible, I am often disappointed.  At least in the short run.  Must remember the payoff almost always comes later than I’d like.  I have no interest whatsoever in Yule decorating this year.  (At least at the moment.  It’s still November~ might be more into it next month.)  I am tired of missing my Bear.  We had 4 days off together over Thanksgiving and I loved every moment.  (Ok, maybe not the massive headache Saturnday- but all the rest for certain.)  I miss all the time we had together when we were both laid off.*


Things will get better.  We will have time again.  There will be hikes, and deer hunting and breakfast at home.  And foolishness.  Must remember that.  It’s so hard in this moment though. 

Anyway.  Monkey finished his report on prohibition and presented it yesterday.  He wants to do Archery.  Come to that, I do too.  Must get more info on that.  No car puts a kink in the regular plan for Thorsday for us~ we’ll be home in the morn (hopefully off to pick up the car in short order), rather than gallivanting with friends.  There is talk of a Coffee shop meeting… I think we’ll miss that one as well since it’s scheduled for one of my work days.  Maybe next time. 


Working on the design for my next tattoo.  What I really need to do is call the artist and sic him on it.  Not being the kind of high caliber artist I’d like to be, I’ll need him to do it for me.  Hope it turns out as I’d like.  Told Bear he could get me more ink for Yule.  He just smiled. 




*Yes, I am aware that this is blasphemous in America at this time.  I don’t care.


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My Stash

It’s 98 degrees outside and I am storing up heat for the winter. 

I am not a person who loves the cold. 

In the dead of winter, when all hope seems to have faded and the reassurance of the Solstice has passed- I find myself wondering if things will Ever be Warm again.  So, in the spirit of that, I’m saving today. 

98 degrees, light breeze, sunny skies, tank top and bare feet.  This day is my February salvation.  My Imbolc light.  My boost for the last leg of Winter.  Let there be popsicles…. Lots of them. 





Nostalgia… or why myspace is better than facebook

You know what I miss? Myspace.

I know.

Could I be any more stuck in the past?  It’s totally true though.  It’s the first place I realized I could be online without everyone I know in the day to day knowing what I was doing.  I could have 17 accounts, all under fake names (cool ones) and get up to all kinds of shenanigans if I wanted to.  FABULOUS!  I could write/rant about work (and did- often and with much swearing), people I knew, whatever nonsense came out of my head and the only folks who were aware of what I was up to were the ones I let in on the secret. 


It was like having my childhood pillow fort again. 


Naturally, I let people in.  But only the select few.  Facebook is ok.  I guess.  It doesn’t beg me to blog there -not that I would, tooooooo broad of a friend list for that and I’m just not ready to deal with all the possible fall out.  At some point I decided to delete my M/S account and move all the blogs here.  In hindsight I think that was a mistake, as I’ve lost contact with some very cool folks and didn’t really give much of a heads up that I’d be vanishing.  Kind of an asshat move, that.  Also, Fb doesn’t ask me to share what I’m listening to/reading/playing.  It’s kind of…. sterile-ish.  I mean, I know I can write ‘notes’, but that’s not the same somehow (and it is all about perception at this point, I’m totally aware of that).  Ah, well… the good ole days and all that.


Thinking of all the East Coast folks this evening and sending good vibes their way.  I visited the Outer Banks of North Carolina this Spring and the people and place were marvelous and kind.  When I asked one man about how he deals with hurricanes he was quite sanguine about the whole thing… kind of the way folks in my area get about tornadoes.  ‘Oh, well y’know, you take shelter when the sirens go off and come out when it’s all over’ was generally his attitude.  I hope he retreats to higher ground this time along with all the others and when it’s time to come home there’s little or no damage and life can return to normal with relative ease. 


Bear is working again tonight.  He gets next weekend off for the Holiday, though, plus a bonus day Sunday night!  3 WHOLE NIGHTS OFF!!!!  That is just badass.  It also points up the fact that the company is quite a timesuck.  He’s worked the past fistfull of Saturdays- in his case, Friday nights- then is ‘off’* Saturday night and heads back in Sunday night.  I know it pays the bills.  I know.  I also know it leaves him no time to pursue his (ample) hobbies and art activities.  It frustrates me.  I want to fix it for him, and me.  I miss him being around.  And it pisses me off that there’s no end in sight to the 10 hour days/6 day weeks.  ARGH.  

*Read: exhausted


exhausted bear



I suck at being patient.  Heh.  I am good at reminding myself periodically that things could be worse, though.  After all, I could still work at the library…..



Currently listening to:  Beirut: The Flying Cup Club

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a walk in the woods

Headed out with the boys today for a wander in the woods.  It was lovely.  We took the mutts along, as they haven’t gone for a roam for some time and it seemed like they were excited about going in the car.  (Or at least leaving the yard.)  We found ourselves at the newish preserve annex not far from home where Bear likes to run from time to time.  Leaving the water in the car seemed like a fine idea, since we didn’t expect to be out too long- Bear needed to get to bed at a reasonable hour- and I loathe carrying things (any things) while woodswalking.  Leashes firmly clasped in hand, off we went. Immediately we found a path Bear hadn’t ever taken and opted for that one. 

Possibly, we should’ve taken the water. 

As it turns out, while I can navigate quite well out in the manmade world- finding my way out of places I’ve never been through sheer gut instinct and good street sign logic- my nav system is a bit lacking in the wilds.  Heh.  It was quite a pleasant walk, if longer than anticipated.  Toward the end, though, it sprinkled on us a bit and cooled us off.  The dogs, though, were tired and thirsty.  The consistent lack of ANY water in ANY creek we passed impressed strongly upon me just how dry it has been the last 2 months.  Wow.  I thought for certain there would be a bit of creek water the mutts could stop in and have a sip, and each place we passed was damp to the touch but nothing more.  I gave them almost all the water when we got back to the car.  We were only out 2 hours or so, but as I said- it’s been a while since they were out working that hard for that long (think hills, steep ones). 

There was a moment while we were out, during the time we were wondering just how Far the end of the trail was, that gave me pause. 

looking for a lift

We happened on this tattered dear, a painted lady, fluttering and crawling in the grass.  I wondered what we could do for her.  We stood around her and looked.  Then Bear put his foot near her and she climbed on. 

tattered but willing

He lifted his foot slightly, and she took off.  I was amazed.  I thought for sure her tattered wings wouldn’t hold her aloft and she’d flutter back down to the ground, but she rose slowly until she was above our heads and farther up the path.  We followed along watching until her path took her into deeper cover and ours took us out of it. 

This is my reminder for today.  Sometimes we struggle along, battered and bruised, trying to do what we are born to do.  All we need is the smallest help, a bit of lift, a hand out of the mess and we can fly again. Sometimes it requires more effort than before, but that’s the nature of life, isn’t it? Change? Effort? If we do nothing, we dwindle into nothing. We fade and are left fluttering in the breeze of the vibrant world around us. When we make effort, changing our patterns out of need or desire- we live, we shine, we inspire.

Remember to help one another. Remember to be kind.


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Movement and hope

It’s finally stopped raining.  The sun is shining and the weather is warm.  Beautiful.  Our roomie is still with us, but I wonder for how much longer.  Flop is beginning to adjust to us and pack life- I hope he transitions well when the time comes. 
Today is MahJongg day.  I will go and share food, coffee and good company with friends- the same friends who invited us to go on vacation with them.  We are thoroughly looking forward to it.  Monkey has been harassing me about packing for days. 

Bear got a job.  It’s 3d shift, and the adjustment has been made more difficult by the fact that the company is demanding mandatory overtime and switches up the hours based on orders.  We were not warned this would be the case.  All will be well, regardless.  As far as I’m concerned this is an opportunity to get our financial ducks in a row and set up for something more interesting and rewarding down the road.  I just have to keep that in mind.  

My sister is still healing well from the accident.  She has a mask/bandage to help minimize scarring and is still blind in her eye.  Her attitude and behaviour have changed profoundly though.  She’s stopped partying.  Looking toward the future with an awareness that the Universe thought to touch her and move on.  I am so proud of her. 

I am trying to find my patterns again.  It’ll come.