thoughts randlomly dropped

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     Well, it’s June, which means my month of vacation is over.  It’s time to return to regular daily stuff.  Monkey is getting back to homeschool work, and I will be returning to ‘work’ on massage stuffs.  This means a website, pamphlets, real grown-up business cards (no more of this small-time “student” nonsense), marketing.  I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment.  Until the board licenses me, I can’t get paid.  I’m tired of working out of my home and hauling my table all over creation, so I need business space.  I have no idea how best to go about finding the perfect (read: inexpensive) digs for my office.  Also, I might be having a small crisis of confidence.  Or slightly larger, but really, who’s measuring? 


One of my classmates had an office paid for and decorated before we graduated. He’s already done the whole LLC thing, pretty much has a full roster of clients, and he’s also still waiting on his license to come thru.  It’s really no wonder I feel inadequate.  Of course, I reckon I could have done all that if I operated the same way he did- but I feel like he’s a bit more together on this than I am (and maybe a bit more type A). 


I feel like this most recent internal struggle for me is about duality.  On the one hand, I want to be my own boss and in charge of my own everything.  On the other hand, responsibility- urgh.  This is probably why I am at impasse with everything else related to this.  I’ve tied m’self into 2 different directions and nothing can move forward until I decide which way *is* forward. So, I have to decide- am I going to be in charge?  Am I willing to take full responsibility for the entire circus?  If not, I’d better seek out a spa or someplace to be my packmule.  Of course that also means I will have fewer options as to things like scheduling and location, and my pay may be significantly lower.  I think owning the circus and working it looks like a better option.  So the next thing to deal with is the fear. 


What if I flop?  What if the business falls flat on my face?  What if I get out there and can’t perform? 


Well, I reckon I’d be out a chunk of change and I’d need to take another run at it from a different angle.  The performance….  I don’t really think that’ll be a problem.  Things I have questions on, I can always look to my references- human, book, and net.  The underlying fear of doing accidental harm- I’m fairly certain my tendency to err on the side of caution will be my ally there.  It may mean seeing slightly slower results at times, but often slower, more gentle work ‘takes’ better and lasts longer. 


With all that out of the way, I can consider digs.  Optimal things:

*within walking distance

*inexpensive (does not cause stress to make rent/utilities)

*includes a bathroom

*waiting area (including chairs/table/bookshelf)

*space for must-needs storage (linens/oils/etc)

*light (windows & decent overhead light)


I feel like I’ve missed a thing or 2, but that’s a start.  The walking distance one is a good starting point, gives me a definite area to look at.  Everything else will follow.  It’s time to take a deep breath, go for a walk, and get started. 



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“Heard you comin’ up the gravel road…

…I could tell it was you by the weight of the load.*”


Wow, I reckon it’s been a bit since I wrote here last…. Everything’s all fancy and redone.  Alrighty then. 


Things have been… strenuous lately.  Not in the lifting heavy things and shifting them around the place way, but more in the sloggingthroughwhatever-that-is-ohitdoesn’tsmellverypleasantdoesit? kind of way.  Let’s be honest.  February sucked so hard it’s inside out.  Not just for me either- that would be comparatively easy.  It’s watching everyone else slog that poses more trouble for me.  For instance:

~A family member revealed that he’s a long time heroin user and wants to stop.  (As I type this, this song started playing- the universe DOES, in fact, have a crafty sense of humour.  Or something.)

~Several friends having money issues in such a way as to jeapordise current operations.

~Another friend’s husband shipped out for Afghanistan

~Another friend’s mother has ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease– which is fucking awful.  “painless, non-contagious and cruel — the motor function of the central nervous system is destroyed but the mind remains fully aware to the end.”  To be filed under “I’d rather drink Hemlock- same effect, more glamour.”  Fuckall.)

~misc other similar issues happening to EVERYONE AT ONCE

And to ice the cake::

~Bear had to go to hospital for appendicitis (which we didn’t know he was having because the pain went away- which apparently means IT RUPTURED, but because his body is FUCKING AMAZING he did NOT get peritonitis because there was an abscess with all the toxins neatly collected within.)


Deep breath. 


So, yeah.  Fuck February.  Like, all the way. 


March is better so far, and I fully intend for things to continue in a better direction.  Dealing with my addicted family member- henceforth referred to as Flash- has been trying at times.  I have to keep reminding myself I can’t fix him.  I can’t solve his (multitude of self inflicted) problems.  This is his fire to walk through.  All I can do is remind him he can do it.  I gave him the old saying ‘I can eat an elephant if I take small bites’.  I remind him to take one thing at a time.  I remind him I love him, and that he can do this.  He has such a long, potholed road before him. 


Classes have been good.  They are a touchstone for me- my classmates have such a positive, kind, supportive attitude overall.  How lucky I am to be learning healing arts with such a marvellous group.  The material is getting more difficult, which means I have to take my study time more seriously.  Which is a good thing.  I’m still trying to figure out what my post licensing plan is.  I’m loving the healer-bodyworker concept, but I live in the land of conservative which makes marketing a rubic’s cube to figure out.  Good thing I have a marketing madman to ask about these things. 

I gave the first massage I’m not pleased with over the weekend, though.  A learning experience, and the client didn’t seem to know the difference, but I did and it’s definitely something for me to process and improve on.  I have a pretty good idea of where and what my problem was- just need to be sure I don’t allow it to happen again.  I wasn’t focused, and so I went through the motions but there was no energy flow of note.  Not that I have to be in charge of every little thing, but my goal is to facilitate movement and improved flow of energy.  I’m a conduit.  If I’m distracted, I’m disconnected and therefore Not a conduit, but rather, a cut wire.  That is not what I’m going for.  A lesson, and one I don’t plan to repeat. 


Bear’s tattoo enterprise is coming along.  Had him work on me for the first time last night.  He was nervous as hell, but still did well.  Just a small one, an easy one.  Something to ease him into working on me.  I have more planned and I look forward to him gaining the skills to complete my plans (mwahahahaha).  He’s recovering well from surgery, although he lost almost 20 pounds over the week he wasn’t feeling well- mostly muscle mass- which has caused him a bit of difficulty.  He literally has to get his strength back.  Having him in hospital was so very scary.  I coped really well when the shit was in the fan.  A couple weeks after is when I had my meltdown.  There’s nothing like seeing the person you love most in the universe lying helpless in a hospital bed to reality check you on what you would do if you had to do it alone.  Not something I ever want to experience again.  Told Bear he better stay healthy from here on out, and that I would do the same. 


Sometimes it’s a wonder to me that we are here at all, let alone that we find others to love and be happy with.  How lucky we are to have such magick in our lives.  The joy and fear and sorrow and everything of love and being connected to those we love.  Astounding, really, that some can get by for so long without it.  It’s worth it to remember that everyone is fighting valiantly some battle or other, and be kinder for that remembrance.  Even on days when the weight of air on your skin tries your patience.  

Be good to you.  Be good to one another. 




*Dust and Bones by Cary Ann Hearst

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When I was a kid in 6th grade I had a great teacher.   The only male teacher in the building, as it turns out, and also the one I was able to relate to the most.  I found myself, at various times, finished with my work and restless- so I would get up and wander over to his desk and hang out.  I remember massaging his shoulders once and him telling me I should be a masseuse.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  No, it wasn’t funky.  It was a kid, showing affection to an adult she liked.)  We both carried on with reading after that (and as a result of my restlessness, I think, I was asked to help the kids who had trouble reading- since it was clear to my teacher I was ahead of the curve there) but the comment stuck in my mind.  At the end of the year he told me to “always be a free spirit”, a comment for which I will always be grateful.  He showed me a kind of acceptance I hadn’t seen before that, and saw a glimmer of who I could be, I think.

After high school, I ‘took a year off’ before college.  Which turned into the rest of my life so far, which is fine because if I had gone away to college I probably wouldn’t have met Bear.  Unfathomable.  So I’m happy with my long year off.

And now I can go back to school AND have Bear.  Cake+Eat.  Groovy.

I started in October, and sometime in May ’14 I’ll finish and be a Licensed Massage Therapist.  More grooviness.  Of course the very instant I let slip that this was my plan, everyone I spoke with wanted to know what I’ll do after.  I have no fucking idea.  Massage people, I hope.  Make money at it.  I want it to be framed in such a way that I can toss all my metaphysical doings into the pot, mix it up and have it come out in a fabulous way for people to relax and be healed.  My biggest goal right now?  I want to pass the next exam.  I want to retain all that information.  18 months of studying human anatomy and physiology and massage theory and practical massage and I want to be a beast at remembering ALL OF IT.  Office space will be taken care of when it’s time.

It’s trickier than one would expect to get people to practice on.  Mostly because they don’t want to intrude.  I have to explain it’s for a grade- no practice= no grade.  No grade= no pass.  Usually this helps.  There are also people who, I guess, expect me to pursue them.  Um.  I *did* mention that you should call me and we’ll set up a time/day, right?  Yeeeaah.  Ok.  So that bit has been kind of frustrating.  The people who do call me all seem very happy with my work so far (yay) and keep coming back.  Which I’m taking to be a good sign.

I feel like this is something I can be really good at.  In conjunction with my other methods of healing, I feel like I could really help people heal with it.  Of course the trick is getting word out to the right people.  I live in an area where intuitive healing is not generally considered “normal”, so shop locale could be something to work through as well.  It’ll come.

In the meantime I’ve a fabulous group of classmates and a couple marvelous teachers, and we’re all working together to learn all this really amazing stuff.  It’s like a little unexepected extended family.  Some of us connect more than others, but we are all supporting and helping each other.  It’s been like a light in the dark.  Difficult as it can be, I totally look forward to classes because of that.  Isn’t that something?

We should all be so lucky.