I’m trying to find my way. Navigating out of the brambles and brain decay of social media to the place where I think and know what to do when I have a free moment (or I don’t but it doesn’t matter). I am breaking free of the hold the online ‘book has on me and my brain and my time. My connection with my family.
But there’s so much there! All the videos and memes and gifs and, and, and,… wait… political shit, and religious shit, and omg how did I NOT KNOW that person is a bigot!?
Enough. Enough tempests in teapots. Enough drama for the sake of it. Enough seeing every mental burp and fart from people on my list. I have found that, in this scenario, familiarity really *has* bred contempt. And it makes me sad. It makes me look at people I once was close with and wonder what happened. Were we always this different and I just missed it because I don’t live inside their head? Because I *didn’t* see every mental burp and fart? I think so, but that it was softened by the natural space we had between us before. I’ve come to the conclusion that a little space is a good thing. A little mystery is fine. How did this online community thing get so out of hand? It’s time for me to do something else with my time. If I want to communicate with someone, there are better ways. More concrete ways. I feel like social media has become more and more like a mob, everyone shouting over each other and spewing their brand of rhetoric all over everything.
I know, I know. It has its good points too. But they’ve become very minor in comparison for me.
I have trouble making eye contact now. Isn’t that crazy? I’m so out of practice, that it feels weird to look my loved ones in the eye when I’m speaking to them. Y’all, that is Not Okay. What am I modelling for Monkey? That technology should be allowed to train us to interact a certain way in person? That it’s ok to spend an insane amount of time looking at the same shit over and over in case someone posted something new? That memes with twee sayings should take the place of deep thought and meditation? That it’s ok to ignore physical reality for the virtual?
None of that is ok.
So I have been working hard to reanimate myself. It’s not physically difficult like lifting weights or moving house. It is shockingly difficult mentally. I have been a well trained social media monkey. I’m getting there though. That short attention span thing? That has prevented me writing (like this) or reading anything longer than a blurb and finishing it for a while now. Longer than I would like to admit to, so I won’t.
But! This week I read Dr Sleep (thank you Stephen King, for another ringer) in 2 days. It was like finding a piece of myself I thought was lost for good. Before social media (and massage school) *that* was how I read. Fast, well, with intensity, and with great pleasure. To have that back, even if only a bit at a time, means so much. I have been working on moving past the weirdness feeling of eye contact and that, too, is improving for me. It makes me so glad.
I am working on it. I am improving. I am finding my way home to myself. A couple weeks ago a Blind Faith song lodged itself in my head and forced me to find an audible version to listen to. Once I did I wept for the first time in months and months. It was as if the Music and my soul were looking at me and saying ‘It’s time to get up and get back on the road, girlie. Where have you been?’
Sometimes we get detoured. Shit happens. All we can do is what we can do. If you’re feeling lost take a smoke break*, listen for the Music, and get moving again.
Unknowingly, someone else has played a part in the stirring of my words and I want to say thanks to Rue. I read her post today and it was like a bell rang inside me. It felt like the sediment and murk at the bottom of me where all my words had fallen in a heap to decay were given a sound shake, and some new tiny shoot came forth from that compost. So thank you Rue.
*even if you don’t smoke- it’s that moment you get to go outside and look around at the moment and all you have to do is stand there for 10 minutes. Smoke breaks are really all about changing perspective….