motheralice

thoughts randlomly dropped


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prime the pump

I’m trying to find my way.  Navigating out of the brambles and brain decay of social media to the place where I think and know what to do when I have a free moment (or I don’t but it doesn’t matter).  I am breaking free of the hold the online ‘book has on me and my brain and my time.  My connection with my family. 

 

But there’s so much there!  All the videos and memes and gifs and, and, and,… wait… political shit, and religious shit, and omg how did I NOT KNOW that person is a bigot!?  

 

Enough.  Enough tempests in teapots.  Enough drama for the sake of it.  Enough seeing every mental burp and fart from people on my list.  I have found that, in this scenario, familiarity really *has* bred contempt.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me look at people I once was close with and wonder what happened.  Were we always this different and I just missed it because I don’t live inside their head?  Because I *didn’t* see every mental burp and fart?  I think so, but that it was softened by the natural space we had between us before.  I’ve come to the conclusion that a little space is a good thing.  A little mystery is fine.  How did this online community thing get so out of hand?  It’s time for me to do something else with my time.  If I want to communicate with someone, there are better ways.  More concrete ways.  I feel like social media has become more and more like a mob, everyone shouting over each other and spewing their brand of rhetoric all over everything. 

 

I know, I know.  It has its good points too.  But they’ve become very minor in comparison for me. 

 

I have trouble making eye contact now.  Isn’t that crazy?  I’m so out of practice, that it feels weird to look my loved ones in the eye when I’m speaking to them.  Y’all, that is Not Okay.  What am I modelling for Monkey?  That technology should be allowed to train us to interact a certain way in person?  That it’s ok to spend an insane amount of time looking at the same shit over and over in case someone posted something new?  That memes with twee sayings should take the place of deep thought and meditation?  That it’s ok to ignore physical reality for the virtual? 

 

None of that is ok. 

 

So I have been working hard to reanimate myself.  It’s not physically difficult like lifting weights or moving house.  It is shockingly difficult mentally.  I have been a well trained social media monkey.  I’m getting there though.  That short attention span thing?  That has prevented me writing (like this) or reading anything longer than a blurb and finishing it for a while now.  Longer than I would like to admit to, so I won’t. 

 

But!  This week I read Dr Sleep (thank you Stephen King, for another ringer) in 2 days.  It was like finding a piece of myself I thought was lost for good.  Before social media (and massage school) *that* was how I read.  Fast, well, with intensity, and with great pleasure.  To have that back, even if only a bit at a time, means so much.  I have been working on moving past the weirdness feeling of eye contact and that, too, is improving for me.  It makes me so glad. 

 

I am working on it.  I am improving.  I am finding my way home to myself.  A couple weeks ago a Blind Faith song lodged itself in my head and forced me to find an audible version to listen to.  Once I did I wept for the first time in months and months.  It was as if the Music and my soul were looking at me and saying ‘It’s time to get up and get back on the road, girlie.  Where have you been?’ 

 

Sometimes we get detoured.  Shit happens.  All we can do is what we can do.  If you’re feeling lost take a smoke break*, listen for the Music, and get moving again. 

 

 

 

 

Unknowingly, someone else has played a part in the stirring of my words and I want to say thanks to Rue.  I read her post today and it was like a bell rang inside me.  It felt like the sediment and murk at the bottom of me where all my words had fallen in a heap to decay were given a sound shake, and some new tiny shoot came forth from that compost.  So thank you Rue.

 

 

*even if you don’t smoke- it’s that moment you get to go outside and look around at the moment and all you have to do is stand there for 10 minutes.  Smoke breaks are really all about changing perspective….

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Friends like these….

     ~The Monkey boy is having friend troubles.  He’s discovering that not all friends are created equal, and not all are true.  This makes me sad for him.  It also points up how lazy I have become with my own friends.  I need to make some calls and catch up.  Have some folks out for dinner.  We’re planning a Halloween party again this year, and I’ve been less than enthusiastic (read: apathetic) in my prep.  Part of it is that I have such limited time with Bear right now, I don’t want to share him or be distracted from my time with him.  He’s still apprenticing with the Wave at the ink shop as well as working full time at the Job, and I miss our previous level of free time together.  Still, friends are so important.  Those connections… well, they matter.  When they fray and wear away it’s sad.  I will make more effort to be a better friend. 

 

      ~I came out of the gate with the best intentions post school.  Alas, I’ve been in the doldrums regarding my practice.  I still haven’t gotten sorted a location, or a plan.  Frankly, I’m feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing.  It’s all very- now I’ve waited and fucked it all up- and melodrama in my head.  Meanwhile, my logical brain can only look on, shaking her head gently and knowing that eventually I’ll get my shit together.  No telling how long it will take though.  Feh. 

 

     ~Went to a wedding today for a friend (see, not totally neglecting my friends!) who is a huge geek.  It was sweet, and I’m very happy for them.  It was also a bit like being at the renaissance fair- so in the future when I ask what the dress code is for an event, I’ll take them seriously if they say “corsets and kilts”!  Have to say that I much prefer the tartan kilt to the utilikilt, although with all those pockets I can absolutely see why they’re popular.  I’d get a kick out of seeing Bear wear one, although I think there’s about an icecube’s chance in hell of it actually happening.  Anyway, a good time was had by many and gluten free wedding cake, properly made, is quite tasty. 

 

     ~I’m rereading IT, by Stephen King at the moment.  It’s one of my comfort reads- when the world doesn’t make sense, I sit and let S.K. tell me the story of how kids beat the monster against all odds.  A good reminder that things come out in the wash.  I wonder if The Stand mighn’t be more appropriate given recent news about Ebola….  Heh. 

 

~At this moment I have a warm dog in my lap, tea brewing, my fellas home for the night, and dinner in the oven.  Life is good.


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I have been swimming.  Navigating the murky waters of education and daily life, trying to see past the seaweed of anxiety and futurefear in order to gather together the pebbles and shells of presentjoy.  I graduated massage school at the end of April, a well-met challenge.  Licensure exams and paperwork are all complete, and now I wait for response from the state medical board. 

In the meantime, the Fam and I went to the beach. 

 

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We lit out well before the sun was up and were met with thick fog all along the first leg.  There were moments I couldn’t see more than 5 feet in front of the van.  Bear kept watch for deer- an excellent second pair of eyes at my side.  By the time we hit the mountains in West Virginia it was nearly gone in the lower areas, but still holding fast up near the peaks. We had fantastic driving weather the rest of the way- it was all blue skies and gentle breezes.  Leaving so early also meant we encountered less traffic, which makes the case for doing it again. 

 

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Our destination was around 750 miles away, in the Outer Banks of North Carolina.  Having multiple drivers to switch off is an excellent thing- means everyone is sane and coherent on arrival.  The last leg crossing Pea Island is always the most difficult for me- by the time we hit Avon my eyes are usually buzzing in their sockets and my brain is feeling like mush.  This time around wasn’t so bad- I drank a lot of coconut water to keep hydrated and we switched off more frequently than we normally would have so everyone got to rest a bit more.  Worth doing.

 

We spent a week relaxing with friends and hanging out by the sea.  My head took a while to clear.  All the detritus of city living and hanging on to bits of thoughts and info that just haven’t been properly finished or cleared out took about 3 days to get sorted. Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t making good use of this time.  I was still running in 5th gear in a place that only required me to run in 1st.  I got up when the sun poked me, went out on the deck, and just sat.  All the dreck was just allowed to slither and ooze out of me and my mind.  By the time the others were up, I was clear.  I feel lighter and unrestricted again.  This is why I go to the sea. 

And this…

 

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The fellas got to fish, and caught their limit of Red Drum- if you’re going to the Outer Banks and want to charter a fishing boat, check out Capt. Aaron at Tightline fishing charters, he did the guys right and is really cool. Another great option for charter fishing is with Capt. Rudy at The Hook Up charter.  The fellas went with him last time around and had a great time then as well, but were unable to schedule with him again this year.

 

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I found books and yarn, so I was pleased.  The yarn I scored at the Blue Pelican Gallery– which now has 2 rooms of yarn to goggle at and try to decide on.  I went with 2 skeins of rainbow coloured silk/wool blend, and I’m making a scarf with it.  The bookstore- oh, joy.  The lady running it is the quintessential bookshop owner.  You want the book about the thing with the couple by the guy?  She has it, right around the corner.  Want a bit of local art or history?  Got that too.  Buxton Village Books has been there for 30 years, and with good reason. 

 

I could rattle on and on about how great the Outer Banks are, but I think you get the idea.  If you get the chance to go, go.  The folks there are wonderful, the scenery is gorgeous, the food is delicious.  I look forward to going again at the soonest possible opportunity.  In the meantime, I’ll keep swimming.


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Flow

Sitting here at the Preserve passing time because I left for tonight’s workshop too early.

The trees are considering the merits of budding verses the prospect of potential (and likely) frost.

Maples are the optimists of tree people. I’ve seen buds on maple trees as early as late February some years.

The canal is high now, so much rain in the last few weeks here and upstream- still icy cold though.

I think about the flow of water, winding and coiling through the land in places I can’t get to in my beloved Subaru. Rise and fall and gentle nod, making its stealthy way to places loft unseen. Ghost boats carrying people and requirements to and fro. I hear a song from childhood echoing through the recesses of my mind::

“Low bridge, everybody down!
Low bridge, for we’re coming to a town….”

I’m so glad I left early today.


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99 accounts

I have at least eleven thousand accounts online.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  Every time I turn around someone is telling me I need to create an account with them so I can comment/read/pay/whatever.

I lie one at least ten thousand ninety nine.  Or more.

I just give them the first thing that pops in my head.  My local newspaper, for instance, knows me as Sharon Quid, who lives in Toronto.  Do these people really think everyone is telling the truth?  They can’t possibly.

I’m learning to knit cables.  Which was terrifying initially, because I was sure I’d fuck it up and it’s a piece for a friend.  It’s not too bad.  Have to pay attention though.  And the piece is coming along swimmingly. 

The weather here has been compleatly whacked.  It’s like spring when we should be smothering in snow.  I mean, like, 70ish degree days.  No coat.  No mittens.  Sunglassess.  Margaritas, anyone?

 

 


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After a bit of knitting, a flick, and some cookies…

Feeling better today.  Lovely weather, sunshine and a bit of a loose plan all help with that.  Went through and double checked all my security junk after the whole crazy people thing and am feeling pretty good about it all.  I’m a bit shocked at the visceral reaction I had, just to unwanted communications.  I’m listening to it though, over the years I’ve found it’s not worth it to ignore my intuitions. 

 

In the parking lot at the grocery today I saw a fender bender.  A good reminder to me (and all involved) to Pay Attention.  Man A was either pulling into a spot or out of it, and Man B was backing straight out.  A honked, several times and long ones, B continued to back.  He couldn’t have been looking at all.  A’s vehicle was a minivan and it was almost perpendicular to B’s vehicle.  Nothing major- just enough for a dent and shake of the van I suspect.  Still, sometimes we miss the most obvious things because we’re just not paying enough attention.

 

I am often guilty of this. 

 

I tend to ‘brown out’ sometimes on things that don’t seem important, then later wonder why Bear/Monkey is insisting they told me something.  They did, I wasn’t paying attention- to one of the two most important people in my life.  Today I will have Open Eyes, and Attentive Mind. 

Cheers~

 


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Do not engage the crazy people

So, as it turns out, there IS enough crazy in the world to go around.  And here I was worried there wasn’t.*  My friend’s ex is nuts.  And, apparently, a hacker of sorts.  Or an identity thief.   Not quite sure which.  Either way, he’s fucked for the foreseeable future.  I posted a comment on something he said on a social net site and got responses from her under his name. 

 

Uh….

 

First:  yes, I do think she’s a bitch.  Regardless of what she says happened. 

Second:  I don’t care what she wants to send me- winning lotto numbers, naked pics of Sean Connery at his pinnacle, fortune telling secrets of the mystics.  She’s not getting my email address. 

Third:  I’m pissed because I felt like, for my own peice of mind (and safety) I had to unfriendthingy him.

 

This person’s reach has just extended entirely too far.  Bitch.  I get that some people thrive on drama.  I, however, do not and have taken several measures to ensure that I have as little as possible.  Sadly, drama is occasionally unavoidable and (like now) I have to put on my shitkickers and deal with it.  Ok.  Fine.  Whatever.  My friend doesn’t get to move away from the drama, I guess, because he had the misfortune to Love this person enough to marry her.  Even though he has been quite amicable in the divorce, she’s still harassing him.  I’m angry and sad on his behalf and I can’t help him because I’m not rich enough to afford a shark lawyer.  Even if I was, he probably wouldn’t let me help him that way. 

 

*eyes rolling practically out of my head