thoughts randlomly dropped

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“Heard you comin’ up the gravel road…

…I could tell it was you by the weight of the load.*”


Wow, I reckon it’s been a bit since I wrote here last…. Everything’s all fancy and redone.  Alrighty then. 


Things have been… strenuous lately.  Not in the lifting heavy things and shifting them around the place way, but more in the sloggingthroughwhatever-that-is-ohitdoesn’tsmellverypleasantdoesit? kind of way.  Let’s be honest.  February sucked so hard it’s inside out.  Not just for me either- that would be comparatively easy.  It’s watching everyone else slog that poses more trouble for me.  For instance:

~A family member revealed that he’s a long time heroin user and wants to stop.  (As I type this, this song started playing- the universe DOES, in fact, have a crafty sense of humour.  Or something.)

~Several friends having money issues in such a way as to jeapordise current operations.

~Another friend’s husband shipped out for Afghanistan

~Another friend’s mother has ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease– which is fucking awful.  “painless, non-contagious and cruel — the motor function of the central nervous system is destroyed but the mind remains fully aware to the end.”  To be filed under “I’d rather drink Hemlock- same effect, more glamour.”  Fuckall.)

~misc other similar issues happening to EVERYONE AT ONCE

And to ice the cake::

~Bear had to go to hospital for appendicitis (which we didn’t know he was having because the pain went away- which apparently means IT RUPTURED, but because his body is FUCKING AMAZING he did NOT get peritonitis because there was an abscess with all the toxins neatly collected within.)


Deep breath. 


So, yeah.  Fuck February.  Like, all the way. 


March is better so far, and I fully intend for things to continue in a better direction.  Dealing with my addicted family member- henceforth referred to as Flash- has been trying at times.  I have to keep reminding myself I can’t fix him.  I can’t solve his (multitude of self inflicted) problems.  This is his fire to walk through.  All I can do is remind him he can do it.  I gave him the old saying ‘I can eat an elephant if I take small bites’.  I remind him to take one thing at a time.  I remind him I love him, and that he can do this.  He has such a long, potholed road before him. 


Classes have been good.  They are a touchstone for me- my classmates have such a positive, kind, supportive attitude overall.  How lucky I am to be learning healing arts with such a marvellous group.  The material is getting more difficult, which means I have to take my study time more seriously.  Which is a good thing.  I’m still trying to figure out what my post licensing plan is.  I’m loving the healer-bodyworker concept, but I live in the land of conservative which makes marketing a rubic’s cube to figure out.  Good thing I have a marketing madman to ask about these things. 

I gave the first massage I’m not pleased with over the weekend, though.  A learning experience, and the client didn’t seem to know the difference, but I did and it’s definitely something for me to process and improve on.  I have a pretty good idea of where and what my problem was- just need to be sure I don’t allow it to happen again.  I wasn’t focused, and so I went through the motions but there was no energy flow of note.  Not that I have to be in charge of every little thing, but my goal is to facilitate movement and improved flow of energy.  I’m a conduit.  If I’m distracted, I’m disconnected and therefore Not a conduit, but rather, a cut wire.  That is not what I’m going for.  A lesson, and one I don’t plan to repeat. 


Bear’s tattoo enterprise is coming along.  Had him work on me for the first time last night.  He was nervous as hell, but still did well.  Just a small one, an easy one.  Something to ease him into working on me.  I have more planned and I look forward to him gaining the skills to complete my plans (mwahahahaha).  He’s recovering well from surgery, although he lost almost 20 pounds over the week he wasn’t feeling well- mostly muscle mass- which has caused him a bit of difficulty.  He literally has to get his strength back.  Having him in hospital was so very scary.  I coped really well when the shit was in the fan.  A couple weeks after is when I had my meltdown.  There’s nothing like seeing the person you love most in the universe lying helpless in a hospital bed to reality check you on what you would do if you had to do it alone.  Not something I ever want to experience again.  Told Bear he better stay healthy from here on out, and that I would do the same. 


Sometimes it’s a wonder to me that we are here at all, let alone that we find others to love and be happy with.  How lucky we are to have such magick in our lives.  The joy and fear and sorrow and everything of love and being connected to those we love.  Astounding, really, that some can get by for so long without it.  It’s worth it to remember that everyone is fighting valiantly some battle or other, and be kinder for that remembrance.  Even on days when the weight of air on your skin tries your patience.  

Be good to you.  Be good to one another. 




*Dust and Bones by Cary Ann Hearst


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Story of my life….

November is nearly over.  It’s finally cold- I’m freezing my ass off as I sit here in my layers waiting for the heat to come on.  Monkey is in the other room feeding his Yuletide film addiction with a Wonderful Life.  My car is in the shop for some unknown, but stinky ailment.  Hopefully Wrench will call with good news in the morn.  There are gifts awaiting wrap.  A large metal chicken decorated with lights, affectionately named ‘Beyonce’ (jr)’, on my porch. 


“It’s hard putting christmas lights on a chicken.”


The wine in my glass diminishes by the moment and I am still not satisfied~ mainly because it’s not coffee.  In trying to be sensible, I am often disappointed.  At least in the short run.  Must remember the payoff almost always comes later than I’d like.  I have no interest whatsoever in Yule decorating this year.  (At least at the moment.  It’s still November~ might be more into it next month.)  I am tired of missing my Bear.  We had 4 days off together over Thanksgiving and I loved every moment.  (Ok, maybe not the massive headache Saturnday- but all the rest for certain.)  I miss all the time we had together when we were both laid off.*


Things will get better.  We will have time again.  There will be hikes, and deer hunting and breakfast at home.  And foolishness.  Must remember that.  It’s so hard in this moment though. 

Anyway.  Monkey finished his report on prohibition and presented it yesterday.  He wants to do Archery.  Come to that, I do too.  Must get more info on that.  No car puts a kink in the regular plan for Thorsday for us~ we’ll be home in the morn (hopefully off to pick up the car in short order), rather than gallivanting with friends.  There is talk of a Coffee shop meeting… I think we’ll miss that one as well since it’s scheduled for one of my work days.  Maybe next time. 


Working on the design for my next tattoo.  What I really need to do is call the artist and sic him on it.  Not being the kind of high caliber artist I’d like to be, I’ll need him to do it for me.  Hope it turns out as I’d like.  Told Bear he could get me more ink for Yule.  He just smiled. 




*Yes, I am aware that this is blasphemous in America at this time.  I don’t care.


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shots across the bow, while tattooing

In the span of a day we’ve gone from 98 degrees to 63.  It’s like suddenly waking up in Fall.  I’m wearing a hoodie and the Pup is doing the “I haven’t enough fur” quiver.  I know what this means. 

Autumn just kicked Summer in the balls. 


Don’t get me wrong.  I love Autumn.  Or Fall.  Whichever.  But it doesn’t bode well for the coming temperatures.  You know what follows right on the heels of Fall?  Winter.  That’s right. 


I’m doing all I can to prolong the Summer though.  We’re heading to a local beach on Thursday and I’m going to soak up as much sun as possible.  And if I can figure how to stash some in a jar between now and then, you bet your fur I will.  Also, I’m trying to figure out how to put an expansion charm on my kitchen window, so when the sunlight hits it the whole thing expands to the size of the side of the house and lets in as much light as possible.  Not too sure how this will turn out, but if it does I’ll be sure to share.  😉



It’s Labor Day!  Woohoo! 

In honour of this holiday, Bear has had a 3 DAY WEEKEND!!!!!  This means I’ve seen him for longer than an hour at a time over the last 3 days!  He got to sleep in Saturday and Sunday in addition to putting a new tattoo on his thigh while we watched the local fireworks on tv last night.  It has been fabulous. 

I miss the days when this would’ve been a normal weekend. 

Don’t get me wrong….  I’m quite pleased to have the cashflow that a 60-odd hour work week brings.  It’s nice.  But I miss having him around more.  Our schedule is funky enough as it is with him doing 3d shift.  Add an extra 20 hours to the regular and all he does is work, eat, sleep.  It’s all he has time for. 


The Chinese has been very accommodating of our shifting schedules, and things are better since we’ve a second car again.  Means my timing doesn’t have to be quite as precise as it did when I had to have the car home in time for Bear to head to work.  (And really, I could just walk anyway.  It’s not as if I work 88 miles away or anything.)  Still. 

It’s been fab having the entire weekend with him.  I’ve felt like I could legitimately get distracted with work in the garden and not be neglecting my time with him.  Been a while for that.  Alas, this too must come to an end.  He’s to work this evening, and so is sleeping now in preparation for it.  Even though his sleep schedule was totally fucked this weekend (slept at NIGHT, he did!  Weird, I know) he shouldn’t have any problem getting back into the rhythm of his regular schedule.  His body was still insisting that 2 in the afternoon was tiresomely late and he should be in bed yesterday.  That was after 9ish hours of sleep the night before.  🙂  I know at some point the insanity will stop and he’ll go back to a normal 40 hour week, but it would really help to know it’ll be sooner rather than later. 

Ah, well.  Gift horses and all that, right? 

Hope everyone has had an equally excellent weekend and that it translates into a marvelous week.  Cheers!


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ink on my hands

Algebra.  Just that word makes me want to grimace.  Homeschooling Monkey is getting tricky as we approach the higher maths, which can be frustrating for everyone in the house.  Chatted with Godfather about this and he said he’d be willing to do some tutoring for us, since math is cakework for him.  Nice to know Someone understands it.  🙂  I’m quite looking forward to it, though.  Almost finished with the US history book we’re working through, and then it’s time to broaden horizons.

Lunch today with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.  Looking forward to catching up.  Yoga class continues to be a source of amusement for me.  Some of the poses we do are just a riot.  It’s hard for me to not gigglesnickerchuckle in the middle of them.  I try not to since I’m pretty sure people would think I was laughing at them, rather than the ideas my brain gives me about the actual movements.  And some of them just make me feel silly.  The first week was Zombie yoga, this week was Surfing yoga.  It keeps me grinning though…..

Played around a bit with Bear’s tattoo machine last eve.  He’s got this fake skin and was working on that, then on an orange.  The difference in the way the two took the ink was amazing.  Not sure how ‘skin-like’ the fake skin is.  Certainly less supple and the orange really shows it if you cut the skin, rather than inking it.  Also, it smells really good.  😉  Tattooing is hard on the hands though, I can totally see how you’d build strength there.  Those machines are heavy.

You know those things that happen to friends and you wish you could help, but all you can really do is be there if they need you?  I’ve one of those at the moment.  All I can say is: Man, I know it’s heavy.  I’m here to help lighten the load if I can.  Even if it’s just with booze and food and a bit of a laugh.